Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Naked Truth

I've found myself the last few days sitting around, staring aimlessly into space asking myself, why don't I have more friends?

I mean, honest to goodness, ride or die, "blood brother"/"soul sister" friends.

I mean, what is a friendship/relationship anyway?
Can you define it?
Or is it easier to describe it?

The other day I heard someone break down the certain levels of friendship/relationships. The last (or should I say ultimate) level he said, was when you can get to the point in your relationship with a person that you can be completely "Who you are" no charades. When you can put down the mask and bare your soul without fear of being harpooned straight through the heart because you reveal moderate to severe imperfections.

Oooo.. the thought actually sends cold chills down my spine. Just then, I felt completely naked at the mear thought of someone really knowing (totally) who I am.

I mean, I really do want to have that person (at least one) that I can be completely "me" with, no strings attached, no games, no cosmetic enhancements to my imperfections and insecurites, but, usually, that type of "naked truth" requires some reciprocation. Right?

I mean, don't I deserve to see someone standing before me, just as naked? Just as cold and embarrassed, nervous, and uncertain. Not because they think I won't love them anymore, but because it's hard to initially get naked in front of anyone alone. Especially when you don't have a figure like Halle Berry or in this case a possible past like that of Mother Teresa's.

Just think back on your "first time". How hard it was to get undressed, it's silly now to think that you were actually trying to hide those "parts" of your body that you were ashamed of as if he/she wasn't going to eventually see them anyway. I mean, the idea of being willing to engage in something as intimate as sex with someone and you were still trying to "hide" the very body you were willing to give them in the first place.

(Lol) It is silly. But, remember how good it felt when you could finally drop your clothes in front of them without hesitation and be free because you'd done it before and the fact that you were "there" in front of them again meant to you, that whatever imperfections you possessed he/she was willing to accept you "flaws in all".

But imagine if he/she was like, "I can get completely naked in front of you because, I don't know you like that, I'll just undress from the waist down because that's all it really takes." Imagine how embarassed you'd feel standing there completely naked.

That's how relationships can be!
You openly begin to bare your soul, you begin to let down your guard and tear down those inner walls within yourself to find out that the other person doesn't feel as comfortable. That is embarassing! Or furthermore, hurtful. Whether it's your marriage or your friendship(s), why should you be the only "honest" one in the relationship. Regardless of how much fun you have or how many good times you share, if you can't expect your spouse to be just as honest with you as you are with them, eventually you're going to close up;
and if your friend isn't willing to be as honest and open with you about the feelings they harbor inside, the insecurities that befall them, why should you? Eventually, you feel cheated or better still unworthy of their friendship and you start to wonder.

What do you start to wonder?

Well, after the other day, I guess you start to wonder, what level is our relationship on and BETTER STILL......are we even on the same level? Should he/she come up or should I go down?

I've finally come to the realization that I may never reach that ultimate level (with anyone). Even the closest relationship I've ever had never got the chance to get there. We were almost there, but not quite (because my friend died). But what an AWESOME feeling it was to be "me" (with them). I can remember how it felt so well, because it's the exact opposite of the way I feel now, most of the time.

Should I feel this way?
Is it wrong to look for something in returning when you're giving so much of yourself?
Or is it even arrogant to consider giving of yourself the way you give a gift?

Me, when I give a gift it doesn't really bother me if the person doesn't say "Thank you" as long as I can tell they really like it; but my heart, my soul, my past, my life, for me to share it so openly, so freely, is not a gift,
but a privilege...

Is it right for me to feel this way?
I don't know,
But I got undressed just to tell you the truth


  1. WHOA!

    I can't take it, stop, please! lol. This is deep B (B=Brain). And you're absolutely right on so many levels. Not sure if it's an idealistic view or if its completely realistic to believe that "we" can be 100% ourselves or in your words, naked for our friends and family.

    Personally, there are so many different sides of me that I myself don't really understand that I'd be foolish to think I could "reveal" those sides to other people. It's important to remember that "we" spend our entire lives figuring out who "we" are so even if we think we're baring it all to someone, in truth, we're probably only revealing a portion of the puzzle.

    Make sense?

    You're a natural at this blogging thing girl.

  2. when's the next entry coming? Your fans eagerly await.