She Work HARD for the Money???

Remember Donna Summer singing...
"She work hard for the money...so hard for it honey...."?

Well, Donna was right. Since I left my 9-5 in April (refer to blog entitled Am I?, Feb '09) I have been on the G-R-I-N-D. 15-20 hour days, weekends and weeknights and I draw a measely $200 a week in salary. Lol! $200. I made more than that 2 days a week at my old job for just answering the phone. Yet, I appreciate this $200 so much more.

When everyone else around me is getting paid,
from the part-time graphic artist to the company that owns my machines I get an indescribable feeling of accomplish knowing that this company, that was started with my own two little (chubby) hands and crafted by the hands of the Master is my company. My business!

I am reminded of how blessed I am to have this opportunity to be able to call myself an Entre-Poor-Negro, I am working from the ground up so I can prepare myself for the "Come Up".

Business, is "booming" or dare I say picking up rapidly, and my Vision for the future isn't blocked by meager ends that bare to meet at times because I realize I'm helping build something that's so much more than "a successful company", I'm building a company that's all MINE that will be successful!

Donna also said:

It's a sacrifice working day to day
for little money
just tips for pay
But it's worth it all
just to hear them say that they care

She works hard for the money
so hard for it honey
she works hard for the money
so you better treat her right

Sometimes I don't even know if I get paid as much as a waitress does in tips, but I do know that my payoff is right around one of these corners I bend on a daily basis. With the phone ringing off the hook and those days that I don't know which way is right or left, you can be sure that every dime and every dollar I see is a dollar hard earned. Eventhough Donna was talking about a hooker she had the right idea, "she work hard for the money so you better treat her right."

They better treat me right, because one day, I may be able to offer them a job ;) !

The Naked Truth

I've found myself the last few days sitting around, staring aimlessly into space asking myself, why don't I have more friends?

I mean, honest to goodness, ride or die, "blood brother"/"soul sister" friends.

I mean, what is a friendship/relationship anyway?
Can you define it?
Or is it easier to describe it?

The other day I heard someone break down the certain levels of friendship/relationships. The last (or should I say ultimate) level he said, was when you can get to the point in your relationship with a person that you can be completely "Who you are" no charades. When you can put down the mask and bare your soul without fear of being harpooned straight through the heart because you reveal moderate to severe imperfections.

Oooo.. the thought actually sends cold chills down my spine. Just then, I felt completely naked at the mear thought of someone really knowing (totally) who I am.

I mean, I really do want to have that person (at least one) that I can be completely "me" with, no strings attached, no games, no cosmetic enhancements to my imperfections and insecurites, but, usually, that type of "naked truth" requires some reciprocation. Right?

I mean, don't I deserve to see someone standing before me, just as naked? Just as cold and embarrassed, nervous, and uncertain. Not because they think I won't love them anymore, but because it's hard to initially get naked in front of anyone alone. Especially when you don't have a figure like Halle Berry or in this case a possible past like that of Mother Teresa's.

Just think back on your "first time". How hard it was to get undressed, it's silly now to think that you were actually trying to hide those "parts" of your body that you were ashamed of as if he/she wasn't going to eventually see them anyway. I mean, the idea of being willing to engage in something as intimate as sex with someone and you were still trying to "hide" the very body you were willing to give them in the first place.

(Lol) It is silly. But, remember how good it felt when you could finally drop your clothes in front of them without hesitation and be free because you'd done it before and the fact that you were "there" in front of them again meant to you, that whatever imperfections you possessed he/she was willing to accept you "flaws in all".

But imagine if he/she was like, "I can get completely naked in front of you because, I don't know you like that, I'll just undress from the waist down because that's all it really takes." Imagine how embarassed you'd feel standing there completely naked.

That's how relationships can be!
You openly begin to bare your soul, you begin to let down your guard and tear down those inner walls within yourself to find out that the other person doesn't feel as comfortable. That is embarassing! Or furthermore, hurtful. Whether it's your marriage or your friendship(s), why should you be the only "honest" one in the relationship. Regardless of how much fun you have or how many good times you share, if you can't expect your spouse to be just as honest with you as you are with them, eventually you're going to close up;
and if your friend isn't willing to be as honest and open with you about the feelings they harbor inside, the insecurities that befall them, why should you? Eventually, you feel cheated or better still unworthy of their friendship and you start to wonder.

What do you start to wonder?

Well, after the other day, I guess you start to wonder, what level is our relationship on and BETTER STILL......are we even on the same level? Should he/she come up or should I go down?

I've finally come to the realization that I may never reach that ultimate level (with anyone). Even the closest relationship I've ever had never got the chance to get there. We were almost there, but not quite (because my friend died). But what an AWESOME feeling it was to be "me" (with them). I can remember how it felt so well, because it's the exact opposite of the way I feel now, most of the time.

Should I feel this way?
Is it wrong to look for something in returning when you're giving so much of yourself?
Or is it even arrogant to consider giving of yourself the way you give a gift?

Me, when I give a gift it doesn't really bother me if the person doesn't say "Thank you" as long as I can tell they really like it; but my heart, my soul, my past, my life, for me to share it so openly, so freely, is not a gift,
but a privilege...

Is it right for me to feel this way?
I don't know,
But I got undressed just to tell you the truth

Am I?

Crazy....
In a time when seems like half of America is looking for a 9-5, I'm ready to pack up and leave mine. I want to say that I'm afraid, but I'd just be lying to myself. In these meager 26 years I've been on earth, I've made some really stupid decisions. I've had my share of bad calls and dim witted "bright ideas". But for the very first time in my life I feel that I'm finally headed in the right direction. I'm finally waking up, not to find my purpose, but with the hope that everyday I'm closer to pursuing it full-time.

Yeah, right now, I get up in the morning knowing that if I drive up the same 5 levels, go down then up the same two elevators, sit at the same desk and answer the same phone and stare at the same faces Monday thru Friday in two weeks I'll get X amount of dollars come rain or shine...

I know that "if" something happens to my husband's job tomorrow, as long as I have that same 9-5 we'll be able to live some what the way we do now with various changes in spending habits.

BUT.......
"if", if I keep driving up those 5 levels, if I keep riding those 2 elevators, and sitting at that desk, answering that phone and staring at those same faces my purpose may suffocate and perish in the mear shadow of an "if".

I mean, what "if" he doesn't lose his job and the economy gets better and the market rebounds and property values begin to rise and I'm still there, with those......
same faces, and that same phone, at the same desk, going down those same elevators and driving down those same 5 levels to only get back home months (maybe even years) later to find that things never got as bad for us as "if" made them seem they would and I'm empty, broken and feeling unworthy because I was afraid of the success that I could so vividly see when everything around me was so bleak...

See, in light of this recession I see nothing but progression if I do what it takes to meet my dreams more than half way and yet there are those that say I need to be in a "halfway house" if I'm thinking about leaving my 9-5 and then, sitting here the last few days thinking of all of this and opening up "The Google" to see that 10,000 more people (at one company) just got laid off today I wonder "if" I really am CRAZY.......